April 26, 2014 – Waiting for a word from you

A mother

For a long time I have been taught to ignore my feelings and always have a neutral emotion. Sadness or too much happiness is not allowed. The moment you feel sadness, or a negative feeling you have to teach yourself to ignore it and let it go. Well I’ve discovered that you can’t let go of something you have not observed, because you don’t even know what it is. When you decide to explore it, a your eyes will be yet for a whole night.

You know that feeling when your lower chin folds, and frowns, while your eyes close and your hand wipe the tears off your eyes. In a moment of confusion, and vulnerability, when everything beautiful and delicate makes you cry, as well as a harsh action from someone else. That time when you think of all of those things and moments you wish you had, and the ones you had not. When you wish you had a shoulder and a humble heart next to you, to put your head on. So you could just cry and fall asleep while at it. But instead, you grab your pillow, or teddy bear and you ask yourself, “Why am I like this? I must be insane.”Then again, the tears start coming out and your breath is out. You are alone in your room, and you wish you had expressed that feeling to your loved one who had just left far away, and you wish you had them close for one more second, to be able to feel that love you thought is was lost or it had never been there, to realize that it was one of the people who had given you most love all your life.

You feel like a child you like had just been punished. The world stops and all you want to do is cry, because you have so much inside that you have been hiding and your heart explodes with pain and fear. Then you realize that you don’t know what you have been doing with your life for the past 2 years. That feeling when you are standing next to a loved one and you want to hug them, kiss them, tell them how much you love them but you don’t know how to do it. Or you don’t know if they want to. How painful.

When you don’t have someone to listen to you in person, someone to hug and tell you, truly, how much they love you and that everything will be fine and that person that is happy, as long as you are happy. Then there is that person who seems to like to make people’s life difficult, just because they are unhappy with their lives and believes that no one has the right to have a better life. Maybe you don’t know what is happening in that persons life, but you just wish they were a little more loving, and you didn’t get such a negative energy from them that it makes you cold inside.

Moments like this, I just wish everything was soft and delicate like an orchid. I wish there wasn’t hate and I would not feel hate, I wish life didn’t teach you about that ugly side of the world. I wish to fly like a sparrow and have nothing else to worry about.

-KAR

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